2-17-19
It was a cold day. In fact, it was record breaking cold. I was beyond grateful for a warmish home. The radiators were hissing constantly. I had covered every draft I never knew I had with blankets, towels, or bubble wrap.
I realized that the chronic draft in the corner near the kitchen door and a window was not due to the window or the need for insulation around the door. Instead, I discovered it was a keyhole in the old 1920s door. It is the type of keyhole that you see people peeking through in vintage mystery flicks. In, fact, I could see right through it to the back steps. It was too cold to use a sealant so I shoved the corner of a dish rag into it until it warms up. The Beatles’ song “I’m fixing a hole” began running through my brain.
I spend plenty of time with myself. I have learned to be okay with that and for the most part like my own company. I am an extrovert, though, and I so need and crave social interactions. A couple of days stuck in the house required me to plan a little, especially since my condo has been on the market for four months and I desperately want to move. I have cut the ties to this place and feel adrift. I have had to have stern talks with myself about letting go, staying positive, being open to change, and not getting discouraged.
My new plan was given to me by my very Zen realtor Scott. It is to put a bed in my office so the unimaginative buyers can see that it is really is big enough for a bedroom. A project for cold, cold day! It required moving stuff to odd corners of my place and emptying my shelves of what isn’t needed today or this week. I did a lot of this in August and September and have had to go dig some of it back out. This is when I battle my tendency to wonder what the point of it is and remain optimistic.
“I’m filling the cracks that ran through the door. And kept my mind from wandering where it will go.”
I hadn’t really thought much of this Beatles song before. It is a typically fun little Paul McCartney ditty that is just plain fun to sing along with. It just popped in my head like songs will do, creating an ear worm, simply sitting, or should I say singing, there. It simply wouldn’t go away. So I did what anyone would do – I googled the lyrics. I was surprised when I realized that the line breaks were deceiving, disguising the meaning.
And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right Where I belong I'm right Where I belong
Seeing it in writing, gave a deeper meaning to what seemingly showed up simply because I was indeed fixing a hole. Instead, I now understood that the message was instead that I’m right where I belong. Today.
I have been asking the Universe to help me be better at listening, to others, to my inner voice, and to my heart. My ego chatter, or as the Buddhists call it, my monkey mind, just can go gale force. I have been trying to improve my ability to be quiet and hear what I need to know. I have always been told that I am a motor mouth, often enough that it is one of my largest self criticisms. Even when I am quiet, my constant discussion just moves into my head.
I have learned a lot about how to stop the noise, and I have made headway. Still I have a long way to go towards slowing down and getting silent. I am a work in progress. What this message means to me is that I should trust the way things unfold in my life. To keep the momentum but to know that life happens when and how it should. I do believe we have choices, not a path that is one long valley. There are many forks in the road to either ignore or move one way or the other. Still once we’ve selected a path, we can only get to the next fork when it presents itself, not when we want it to be there. Running toward at a breakneck speed doesn’t change it nor does dragging our feet. It shows up when it will. If I’ve discovered anything I have learned that you never know which interaction in life will open the gate to the next fork in the road.
So as the song says: “I’m taking the time for a couple of things
That weren’t important yesterday.”
My life is pretty amazing. My business seed is starting to not just bloom, but bear fruit. I have friends and family whom I love and who love me. Yes, I have my list of “Oh I want this so bad I can taste it” things – primarily related to a life partner or a steady reasonable income. That is okay. I’ll take what I have and be immensely grateful for every inch of it.
Now my mind has let go of Paul McCartney and shifted to the next song on the dial – Voice Still and Small. It is a hymn by John Corrado that my Unitarian Universalist friends will know. It is a favorite of mine. One that has always settled my soul. Now it sits quietly, whispering to me, and I will try, with all my heart, to listen to it.
Voice still and small, deep inside all
I hear you call, singing.
In storm and rain, sorrow and pain,
Still you remain, singing.
Calming my fears, quenching my tears
Through all the years, signing.
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